If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
