he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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