I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
