you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
