all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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