when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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