I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
