I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
