she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
