I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
