i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Operation Purity has been aborted
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
