The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
