also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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