somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
