i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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