I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
