Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
