i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
