I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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