remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
