Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
