Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
