Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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