just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize