Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize