No period for spring break; use this wisely.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
