Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
