Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
