Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
