The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
