you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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