yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
