I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize