I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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