I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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