Redeem this text for a blowjob
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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