New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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