just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
