I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
