No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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