1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
