She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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