just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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