For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
