life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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