my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize