If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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