I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
