3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
