Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
