remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
