I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
