Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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