if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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