it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
well I can't set my house on fire every night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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