Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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