I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
