Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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