I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
